If you’ve been following my blog, you know my youngest daughter died by suicide in June of 2025.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. There really aren’t words to describe the pain. I will never forget the moment I found out.

A lot is said on social media about being available to people in the world. To help them through their mental health moments. Really listen. I did not receive this courtesy by my employer.

The United States isn’t set up for people to grieve correctly. When a loved one dies, you are expected to tidy up the lose end, bury them and get back to work. And please never speak of it again. Act like it never happened.

Natasha died on June 19. I flew to Denver the next day and stayed for a week. I then returned to Alaska to finish out my contract. I had to go back to work. My bills needed paid.

My employer never acknowledged her death with a card. There were no flowers. I was told that they like to separate work and personal life.

Try doing that when your daughter dies. One doesn’t leave that in a box by the door when they leave home.

This thinking deduces a person to a robot. A worker. Not a human being.

Yet I realize that I am a feeling person. I took into account that I could be expecting too much. I was not. Turns out when asked, people had had their grief acknowledged by their employer.

On probably the second trip up to Denali, there was a small landslide. This delayed the train, as we had to stop and wait for it to be cleared. I thought of these moments as exciting. It can be part of the adventure if you allow it to be. We were only waiting for an hour.

Management in Anchorage decided we should offer each passenger a free non-alcoholic beverage. I was serving upwards of 80 people that day. But I did it.

I’m good at what I do. With that many people, sometimes I would forget to serve a drink. If I were not served my beverage, I would ask again. Remind the bartender. Understand that they’re responsible for more people than me. Which most people did. But this day I was not given this courtesy.

When it was time to check people out, I was tired. My brain was grieving my daughter and I had just served a lot of ungrateful people free drinks. Grief delivers a different level of fatigue.

I got to one couple, who didn’t look pleased. I read back what they ordered. They told me they never got this drink. Ok. I mentioned I was sorry. Then I read back the next drink. Same thing. Except this time the man yells at me that they never got anything. I think to myself that it’s odd. I’m upset now. I tell them my daughter died a week ago and I am doing the best I can.

I am in no way saying that getting upset was right on my part. I do believe that given the circumstances, I was pretty strong to even be up and working. I expected to be given grace due to this fact. And that was why I stated what had happened.

I was not. After I stated to the couple that my daughter had died, this is what the man said. And I am going to capitalize what he said to me because it was one of the shittiest thing I have ever heard.

He said to me, “WE DIDN’T ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION.”

Wow. You didn’t get your free drinks. The bartender apologizes to you. And this is what you have to say? At this point I don’t give a care what is going on in your life. People deserve better than this. I can’t think of a much deeper pain than your daughter dying. I can’t imagine a human that when given this information, responds with that statement.

I walked away. By now I was in tears. I went to my onboard manager, who was useless. He wouldn’t finish checking people out for me. Here’s the truth. He was lazy and could be found sitting in one of the cars anytime he worked. That’s how I found him so easily on a long consist. So no. He would not do it.

I had to get myself together and go back up and finish checking people out. The only good thing here is that the couple was with a travel group that had just begun their journey. People around them heard this exchange and were mortified. These two people had to endure the remainder of the journey. The group knowing that they sucked as human beings.

The next day when we returned to the railyard, I was called into the office. I assumed I would be getting fired. I didn’t care.

I went into the office where I was greeted by one of the managers and the HR person.

This is what they said to me.

“We are concerned about your mental health”

No shit.

They went on to explain that this couple had complained about me. Which further deepens the disgust I have towards these two. Even after they get off the train and calm down, they’re still the victims. Can’t see that maybe they were a little hard on me.

I told them what happened. What I said. What they said. I had no secrets. The guest was wrong in their behavior.

Only this isn’t how management took it. To them, I was wrong. The manager told me that, since I talk about God in my blog, sometimes God puts us in a place to learn patience if we need patience.

No. No He doesn’t do that when you’ve just lost your daughter. He sees your sorrow. He feels your pain. He loves you through it. He doesn’t challenge you to be a better person during that time.

I watched employees steal from the company, drink on the job. Do drugs on the job. Not do the job. Yet my issue was somehow worse. Because in their eyes it made the company look bad.

This is why I will not return.

I did receive a call during the time they were interviewing people. I did not answer, knowing I would not say anything nice.

Here’s what I do know.

We need to treat people better during their darkest hours. Grief is hard. It’s deep. It doesn’t go away. Don’t expect people to leave that at the door. You can be a boss and a business and still have empathy.

We shouldn’t be so demanding of others that we fail to see them as human beings. With emotions and struggles.

God has a way of humbling us. Showing us the error of our ways. I know this to be true because I’ve experienced it before. I am human and not above needing humbled now and then.

Wow. It felt good to get that out. My daughter, Natasha, was a beautiful soul. She deserves respect. Perhaps that’s why this hit so deep. It was my darkest hour. It was my daughter. And the disrespect towards me was disrespecting of her.

In closing, thank you for following my blog. It really was a fun first year. The second year changed me as a person. I will never be the same.

Please remember that yes. Everyone is carrying heavy things. The world is hard. Instead of talking about helping people through dark times. DO IT! Treat people respectfully and as human beings. Death comes for us all. We will experience our loved ones dying. And even if you’re carrying heavy things, you still owe people decency.

And finally, YOLO. I still believe this though it stings a bit. You Only Live Once.

Natasha lived a short life. Twenty eight years. There is a reason I called her our exclamation point. She lived a vibrant life. She struggled. Yes. But her happy moments were joyful and full of laughter and fun. She friended people based on who they were as a person. Not their position in life.

Thank you 🙂